The World On My Shoulders

I know this is a blog about BDSM and how it incorporates into our daily life, but i have had to much stress piling on my shoulders this week to get into the sexy stuff. I have to find a new doctor for the kids to get their check ups because the one we had them seeing didn't bother to look at their medical records, to see that my boys are allergic to components used to preserve vaccines and that is why I don't allow them. And, no, my insurance doesn't cover ordering special shots. I also have to get the remainder of the decorations and food on order for our wedding vow renewal celebration, get my almost four year old's birthday party under way for next week, enroll him in speech therapy after I find a decent pediatrician and try not to go nuts in the process.

Sir and I have only had one session in 3 weeks and that is grating on me as well. I took a long walk alone last night,sans my collar...wanting to be completely alone. I thought about all of the stress and my craving for the hot crop against my skin. The masochist in me wants so much more. My fragile heart needs to be caressed and guided into peace. I know my Sir is only human and he does forget that no matter how tough my exterior is, I do get hurt deeply very easily. Last night was one of those times. I got ready, did hair and makeup and was getting ready to get into the chosen out fit for scene, when suddenly Sir said he was nixing tonight. He just wasn't feeling it. I know it sounds trite that my feelings were hurt, but I felt like my time was wasted and I was being rejected...one of the hardest things for this little submissive to deal with.

So, I took a breath, took off my collar and went for a walk. I wound up sitting by the man made lake in our apartment complex watching the happy little otter that resides there swim joyfully along until I felt better.

Sir, noticing that I've been feeling out of sorts the past few weeks and that he's been acting a bit to aloof with me lately, wrote me a short note and sent me a song explaining how much he loved and appreciated me. I spoke with Him this morning and he explained that during sessions He wants to give me His all and when He doesn't feel that He can do that he would rather call it off for the night than give me a half assed attempt. Half assed attempts at connection are so much less than I deserve. I said that I seem to write so much better than I can express vocally what I need and sometimes I feel that He can slip His Dominant role on and off as easily as a pair of shoes...but I can't do that. Since we embarked upon this lifestyle last year and my submissiveness was awakened, I cannot fold it neatly away whenever I want to.  I have never felt more naked than when I removed my collar. I realized that I am more Me with it, than without it and appreciate that Sir took the time to explain to me that he doesn't want to do anything half way with me, and will work on his occasional ambivalence as I work on not being so sensitive about silly things.

These are just the bumps in the road of our daily life. Thanks for reading my ramblings and I promise, sometime soon, I will get back to the sexy stuff*wink*.

Until then...xoxo Bliss

Predicaments?

I find myself being a little obstinate with Sir lately. I know my role as a submissive is to roll with his choices of what, when and where he wants to do things, but for a few weeks now it really has been all about him...with very little playtime or sex. I understand everyone getting over the horrible stomach bug that flew around my house last week. I understand His excitement over the purchase and use of his new firearm. But, sometimes, maybe selfishly, I want that excitement and hunger to be directed at me. Maybe it's because I don't feel new anymore. Perhaps I need my boundaries pushed further and for Him not to be so lax in my discipline?

Sir has said that since we've missed our last 2 planned sessions, we will be switching to tonight for playtime. So, maybe my worry and aggravation is for naught. Still, it is better for me to voice my concerns with him than to remain silent and let them fester into resentments. Maybe I need to look within as well and find out why I'm having a harder time letting go of control lately and meditate on being a gentle stream instead of a turbulent sea?

On brighter notes, my permanent day collar came in and it is perfect! I also managed to make everyone smile on Valentine's Day with various creative gifts including a bacon rose bouquet and a heart shaped meatloaf.

Our wedding vow renewal is just around the corner now and I'm getting that butterfly in the stomach feeling hoping everything goes off with few problems.

Wish us luck. Wish us love. Wish us hot sex and the marks to prove it.

Until next time...xoxo Bliss

Illness, Guns and Valentine's

This week has been fraught with a nasty, nasty stomach bug that made it all the way around to everyone in the house, less my 4 year old, with poor Sir being the last to fall. Needless to say, it hasn't been a sexy week. Instead of our usual Wednesday antics, we will be spending today curled around each other recovering from sore stomachs, fevers and headaches.

There were, between our household members dropping like flies, some fun times. Sir got his tax return in and we wound up purchasing some firearms for shooting at the range and home protection. Sir got one that looks like the gun Rick uses in The Walking Dead, called a Taurus Tracker Revolver and I have for myself a little PT22 that despite it's small size can still pack a punch if I ever need it to. It is rare that I blow a lot of money on a purchase, but when the 22 was placed into my palm it felt like it belonged there. I know I sound like a bonafide gun nut, but I'm really not. I do, however know how to shoot and enjoy a weapon that fits my small hands exceptionally well. The pistol is considerably easier than throwing a knife and much more effective as well(my father is a knife maker and taught me how to throw them...little known fact...lol).

So, I'm guessing this could be seen as our "Valentine" gifts to one another, if we celebrated that manufactured holiday. It was Sir's way of ensuring our children's and my protection even when he cannot be here. What could be more loving than that*chuckles*?

Or, if you wanted to see things more conventionally(who are we kidding here?), my Valentine gift would not be the gun, but my beautiful collar that should be on its way today:

Either way I am excited and I know things will be mighty interesting  when Sir and I have fully made our way back from Stomach Flu Purgatory.

Until then...xoxo Bliss

Chaos For The Fly And Other Ramblings

We recently had our first hard session with the new crop. During the session I was fine. The intensity of the crop's sting brought me into a different space than I am used to. It was a much harder energy pull between us than it is usually, which consequently brought me to a mind blowing orgasm.  Usually, I come out of a session tired but relaxed and in need of some gentle cuddle time.  I think this last session was my first real experience with sub drop.  Afterwards I found myself exhausted, but instead of cuddling with Sir, I desperately wanted to be alone. The sense of exhaustion lasted several days along with an awkwardness within that left me questioning myself and my enjoyment of BDSM. I struggled with thoughts that I was pretty twisted to become aroused when I was in pain...and was I really as strong of a person as I thought if I could allow my significant other...my beloved Sir to have such control over me? 

This did subside further into the week, as Sir decided we needed some fun outside of playtime to open up a bit and to help me out of my funk.  Naturally *chuckles*, this involved some funny movies and a healthy amount of alcohol. We joked about our activities; About how absurdly fulfilling it is and about how as individuals and as a couple we have never fit into a "normal" mold, so why should we start trying now? We talked about each others fantasies and how we could bring those to fruition. We talked about how far we wanted to go in terms of the power dynamic of a D/s relationship and about the advice and progress on my research into healing my psychological block against anal sex. It was an easy night and fun to watch each other open up more and more of themselves. Him with his natural Dominant nature fighting to control the sadist within, and me with my submissive nature trying not to push myself to far with my masochistic tendencies. He told me that there is a reason He is taking things so slow, while I would like to rush in headlong sometimes. I believe that is what makes us so perfect for one another. He is wise to go slow and I should take that to heart as Him protecting me. It is something He promised to do always...protect me...if need be, even from myself.

All in all, we are ever learning each other, pushing the boundaries of "normal" and we are doing it all with patience and love.

Isn't that how it should be?

Breaking The Chains Of Fear

Sir and I were discussing my hard limits a few nights ago. He wanted to see if some of them could be put into the category of a soft limit, as He wanted to ensure that He did push me to go further, but not in a way that would cause deep emotional and certainly not physical damage to me.

In example, and the one most discussed, is anal sex. Sir has asked me to do some extensive research on how to handle my phobia of it, and how He can proceed with easing me into gentle play without triggering a traumatic reaction. He also told me to take as much time as I needed to and more.  That this particular sexual act would be placed completely in my control, forever if need be. And, if I never came to be comfortable with it, that was okay too.

For this phobia to be understood, I must give you some past history here.

When I was about 18 and a half an old boyfriend, one I had remained friends with, showed up at my door to hang out one day. Little did I know that his intention was to win me back...At all costs. To make a long and painful story short, he brutally raped me anally and vaginally. Yes, I put him in jail for it and physically recovered(he tore me badly), but have had a serious mental block on even the mention of my back door ever since.

Don't get me wrong, while anal sex is pleasurable for Sir, this is not his main agenda. He has helped me through my night terrors and sexual inhibitions and I am more comfortable with him than any other man I have ever known. He wants to help me to heal this final part of a violent, non consensual sexual past. He wants me to know that with Him, nothing bad will ever happen to me and that he will never push me into doing something I am not ready for.  He also wants me to feel triumphant in my ability to conquer my fears. I love Him so much for that. He doesn't care if it takes me years to be comfortable with it, if not enjoy it with him(which I know is what He would really like). For now, He is only asking me to chip away at the aversion and find that place of peace that comes from alleviating your fears.

It has never been the physical act of anal sex that bothered me, I know physically I can do it.  It's that mental association with terror and violence that caused me to become a ball of sobs when we tried to venture there a few years ago.  I would say it hurt me more to see the look of horror on his face to watch me cringe away from him in tears, than the sex act itself. I hated reacting in that way to a man I love and trust immensely. Perhaps that is part of it as well.  Sir and I have talked about it since then, but I always fear having that same reaction and seeing Sir heartbroken because he thinks he hurt me.  In truth, he didn't hurt me and it is not his fault. I know he knows this now and I'm willing to do the research. Perhaps within this year I will try small things to slowly change the emotional association with anal to an act of love and pleasure rather than one of fear and pain.

I will try this, not just for Sir, but for MYSELF.

Needing Relief

It has been a rather challenging week for us. Sir has been stressed at work and all he wants to do when he comes home is chill out in front of his PS3. I admit that I have not made this easy. With the stress of 2 little boys bouncing around, demanding attention(positive and negative) and bouts of insomnia I haven't been the best of submissives. Realizing my whiny behavior, last night I sat at Sir's feet and laid my head on his knees and just let him be. He stroked my hair and told me that, no matter what, he appreciates all that I do for him and the children and sometimes forgets that I need a break as well. I let his acknowledgment soak into my heart for a moment and smiled.  It is tiny specs of time like this when he says the exact right thing at the exact right moment that allow me to remember why I not only married this man, but chose to give Him my submission.  We aren't a perfect couple by any means, but sometimes...Sometimes we come close.

Hopefully, tonight will be one where I can let the whip overtake the stress of the week and collapse into my Sir's steady arms.

The relief I have sought, found and sated.

Frazzled Not Bedazzled

Well, the weekend was as much a blur as the week has been and my energy is at a low. I am trying very hard to have sympathy for Sir's late night, but when I run on less than 5 hours of sleep most nights and still get up, change every diaper, clean every mess and soothe every temper while he sleeps in, it makes it difficult. I am certain that a few choice words will be flying uncontrolled out of my mouth before the end of the day.

I made my usual trip out to see my two oldest children this past Saturday, leaving our youngest little boy at home with Sir. Sir ends up calling me up about once every hour and a half, bored out of his mind, telling me how much he misses me. It was very sweet and I appreciate that he misses me when I'm gone. What aggravated me was that he was also telling me how he was itching to get me naked, only to find that when I got home he had already scratched the itch himself.  No love for Bliss this weekend*pout*.

We purchased a new crop and play collar for me last week that have yet to be used. Yes, I know I'm whining. I've just felt a little less than appreciated the past few days.  It's not easy wearing my sub hat sometimes.

So, cross your fingers for me that I don't become bratty just to gleen some attention and some help.

Because right now, as my children run around yelling, I haven't had more than a sip of coffee and my dear Sir is intent upon sleeping until he goes to work, I'm just not feeling this Mommy/Housewife shit.

Our Contract

This our contract. How you make your own is completely up to the two(or more) of you. This contract is revisable at any time we see fit and there will be no negative repercusions if either party wishes to terminate the agreement.






I, Bliss, do of my own free will grant my submission to my Dominant, Sir.
I entrust to Him the full use of my body and the care of my physical and emotional well being within the limits outlined here in.
I promise to be completely honest with Him at all times and to give input when asked for it.
I promise to serve Him to the best of my ability and allow Him to guide me and to teach me through loving discipline if need be.
I promise to trust Him and love Him monogamously always as His submissive lover, His wife and His friend.



I, Sir, do of my own free will grant my guidance and Dominance to my submissive, Bliss.
I promise to guide and protect her to the best of my ability at all times and to never go beyond her hard limits.
I promise to be completely honest with her at all times and to ask for input when necessary.
I promise to push her limits in a safe, sane and consensual fashion and to always give her a safe word and signal.
I also promise to cease all activity if the safe word or signal is used immediately.
I promise to trust in her devotion to me and to love her monogamously always as her Dominant lover, her husband and her friend.



Rules
1. Set aside time every Wednesday evening to enjoy each other's company, regardless of which activities we choose to engage in.
2. submissive will accept all tasks given her without complaint and complete them to the best of her ability.
3. Dominant will assess the needs of his submissive and will take her feelings into account in all things.
4. Raising and caring for their children will be an equal task shared by both Dominant and submissive as equals.
5. Should either Dominant or submissive feel that any agreement or task is unacceptable or unfair, they will speak honestly with one another and revise this agreement, modify the task or terminate this contract without fear of discord within their marriage.
6. No punishment will be administered in moments of anger.
7. All discussions will be open and honest at all times and respect will be shown to both parties as equals during said discussions.
8. All financial decisions will be made as an equal couple, though the final say will always be made by Sir.



Dominant Hard Limits
1. SCAT
2. Golden Showers
3. Anything inserted into any orifice
4. No face hitting
5. Incest play or anything involving children what so ever
6. Bestiality
7. Humiliation



Dominant Soft Limits
1. Blood letting
2. Needle play



submissive Hard Limits
1. SCAT
2. Toilet play of any kind
3. Incest play or anything involving children
4. Bestiality
5. Being caged(triggers claustrophobia and PTSD)
6. Anal sex
7. Extreme Humiliation
8. Extreme Nipple Torture



submissive Soft Limits
1. Fire play
2. Blood letting



All this we do promise to each other in good faith, love and trust.



Signature of Dominant

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Signature of submissive

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