Sir and I were discussing my hard limits a few nights ago. He wanted to see if some of them could be put into the category of a soft limit, as He wanted to ensure that He did push me to go further, but not in a way that would cause deep emotional and certainly not physical damage to me.
In example, and the one most discussed, is anal sex. Sir has asked me to do some extensive research on how to handle my phobia of it, and how He can proceed with easing me into gentle play without triggering a traumatic reaction. He also told me to take as much time as I needed to and more. That this particular sexual act would be placed completely in my control, forever if need be. And, if I never came to be comfortable with it, that was okay too.
For this phobia to be understood, I must give you some past history here.
When I was about 18 and a half an old boyfriend, one I had remained friends with, showed up at my door to hang out one day. Little did I know that his intention was to win me back...At all costs. To make a long and painful story short, he brutally raped me anally and vaginally. Yes, I put him in jail for it and physically recovered(he tore me badly), but have had a serious mental block on even the mention of my back door ever since.
Don't get me wrong, while anal sex is pleasurable for Sir, this is not his main agenda. He has helped me through my night terrors and sexual inhibitions and I am more comfortable with him than any other man I have ever known. He wants to help me to heal this final part of a violent, non consensual sexual past. He wants me to know that with Him, nothing bad will ever happen to me and that he will never push me into doing something I am not ready for. He also wants me to feel triumphant in my ability to conquer my fears. I love Him so much for that. He doesn't care if it takes me years to be comfortable with it, if not enjoy it with him(which I know is what He would really like). For now, He is only asking me to chip away at the aversion and find that place of peace that comes from alleviating your fears.
It has never been the physical act of anal sex that bothered me, I know physically I can do it. It's that mental association with terror and violence that caused me to become a ball of sobs when we tried to venture there a few years ago. I would say it hurt me more to see the look of horror on his face to watch me cringe away from him in tears, than the sex act itself. I hated reacting in that way to a man I love and trust immensely. Perhaps that is part of it as well. Sir and I have talked about it since then, but I always fear having that same reaction and seeing Sir heartbroken because he thinks he hurt me. In truth, he didn't hurt me and it is not his fault. I know he knows this now and I'm willing to do the research. Perhaps within this year I will try small things to slowly change the emotional association with anal to an act of love and pleasure rather than one of fear and pain.
I will try this, not just for Sir, but for MYSELF.
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